Deadpool 2 Probed (Ahem, Reviewed) NO SPOILERS!

Holy.

BALLS.

This movie delivers. It’s a crispy slab of gluten slathered in sauce and cheese, brought right to your track suit-laden, love machine ass for post-orgasmic bliss. Yes, that’s right folks. If Deadpool was the main act, Deadpool 2 is curling up to that special someone with a greasy pie, a dirty cigarette and the promise of round 2.

And what an in-betweener it was. I firmly believe this movie is paving the way for something bigger, better, harder, faster, stronger. That’s not to say it doesn’t hold its own. Oh. Oh it holds its own. In two powerful, capable hands. Allow it to pour you a drink as the opening credits roll. Credits that—somehow—outperform its prequel. This movie will go down easier than a glass of whiskey on a hot Summer Glau.

Dim the lights, let’s begin.

Wet Your Palate…

Deadpool 2 opens with a badass fight scene that, let’s just say, immediately reminds us of why it’s rated R. They keep up the pace throughout the rest of the film, pausing the action only for necessary breaks that properly inform the plot, but it kept the entire theatre laughing so hard that people gave up entirely on hearing the next line. We have the same writers this time around to thank for that (Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick) in addition to the man with the big cajones himself, Ryan Reynolds.

David Leitch steps in as director on this second instalment and—who is David Leitch? You may recognize him as a stuntman in, oh, I don’t know… 80 of your favourite action movies?! Yup. This man is a real-life action hero turned assistant director (on both live action TMNT movies, Civil War, Jurassic World and The Wolverine, to name a few) turned full-blown, hard-on, give-it-to-me director. He’s only got a few movies under his belt so far but we can already credit both Deadpool 2 shorts to him (Celine Dion: Ashes and Deadpool: No Good Deed) as well as Atomic Blonde. You, sir, are a class act.

For The Main Attraction

As for the star of this movie, heartthrob turned that superhero who’s still not in the MCU, Ryan Reynolds, dons the Deadpool mask as his usual, loud-mouthed self, take it or… take it deep. It’s the classic portrayal that’s come to define the character only this time he brings with this story a sudden depth to his character that may or may not bring a tear to your eye, depending on how much you hate love, happiness and sentimental moments. You monster.

Speaking of monsters, there’s not one villain, not two, not… three… hang on. Damn, Deadpool’s got a lot of baddie issues! Josh Brolin, no longer holding his breath as a giant, firmly makes his way into this franchise as Cable: the time-traveling, cyborg, family man living out his own personal days of future past. His story gets tied up with Julian Dennison’s character, Russell, and the plot takes them on a journey and a half together.

It’s Got Some Of Those Other Guys…

Colossus (Stefan Kapicic) reprises his role in Deadpool’s life of trying to recruit the mercenary to the X-Men, which Deadpool—once again—points out are not present in the movie at the fault of the studio. Vanessa (Morena Baccarin), Blind Al (Leslie Uggams) and Weasel (TJ Miller) make a return as well. The material is similar to the prequel but not so much the same that it’s boring. Like finding that special someone and settling down for a few years.

Karan Soni returns as Dopinder and, perhaps surprisingly, steals the show. His comedic beats were perfectly timed in each one of his appearances and he may have received more praise than anyone else. He’s like the biggest nerd in school that got voted prom king. Completely unexpected but so well-deserved.

Negasonic Teenage Warhead (Brianna Hildebrand) is also back with a diminished but no less impactful role. Her scenes are a little shorter overall but she still brings that hilarious opposition to everything Deadpool does, representing all of the people who will find no joy in this movie whatsoever. Seriously. Keep it to yourself, folks. Bad reviews are like religion and dicks. They serve a purpose but no one wants one waved in their face.

Negasonic brings with her Yukio, a character name you may or may not [probably not] recognize [definitely not] from the 2013 tried-their-best attempt at The Wolverine. It’s almost like they’re trying to save everyone from the original X-Men timeline or something… can’t imagine why.

Including The X-Force

Other newcomers to the DP [yes] dream team [oh, yes] include Zeitgeist (Bill Skarsgård), Bedlam (Terry Crews), Shatterstar (Lewis Tan) and good ol’ Peter (Rob Delaney) but the break-out star amongst them is, of course, Domino. For all those who doubted Zazie Beetz in the role of Domino, I ask you: was it really worth it? Nooooooooope.

Beetz’s Domino brings an odd balance to Deadpool’s character that isn’t as harsh as Negasonic—possibly because she provides situational commentary rather than tearing down his character—and causes Deadpool to rip on his own misfortune. Very refreshing nipple twist of lime to a stiff, Atlanta’s-Van-dressed-in-leather drink. Yum.

Aaaaaaand Scene

The movie concludes with that “just over the horizon” feeling that is somehow completely at home with this exceedingly violent and exaggeratedly vulgar franchise we have grown to love and of which you will grow even fonder with this sequel, guaranteed or you have no soul.

(Now, this was promised to be a spoiler-free review and, true to that, it will stay as such. But if someone wanted to find out some fun stuff about what they might see and what they should keep an eye out for, click here for some Easter Eggs you can find in Deadpool 2. Not to worry, the spoilery ones will be clearly labelled!)

Deadpool 2 hits North American theatres May 18th, with evening shows in select theatres May 17th. Go on. Burn that midnight oil. You won’t regret it.

What are you hoping to see in Deadpool 2? [Well… it doesn’t matter; this movie has everything you could possibly want, just make a wish and somehow it’ll be granted.]